I am me

At some point in our life, we will look at other people and wish that we are them.
That we have their good looks, their talent, their job opportunities, their wealth etc.

And then I started to realise that there’s a price to pay in every “extra” qualities that someone has over you.
Yeah, good looks. But maybe they are people who are extremely unhappy because they spend their days worrying about whether their beauty will last, or whether they are more beautiful than others.
Job opportunities, yes. But you don’t know how much harder they have worked their way up.

You get the point.

When people see your success, they tend to forget the hard work you put behind.
They think its luck or talent.

So every trade has its own difficulties and struggles.
Every being has their own imperfections.

Everyone wants to be something else. Wants to be in another job. Wants to have whiter or tanner skin.
Wants sharper nose, wants a slimmer body, wants to speak better, wants to be strong…….

The challenge I set for myself is this.
I want to be myself. To be able to accept and live comfortably with my gender, my looks, my skills, my job, my priorities, my life.
And that is a challenge for you too.

Shit Hole.

Maybe this is what we need.
A kind of drama, to remind ourselves on our existence.

Pain, maybe is a form of happiness.
To liberate ourselves from our sins.
Sometimes it isn’t even real.
And we just keep perpetrating it, so as to feel a sense of equibrium.
A false sense probably.

 

It just becomes a vicious cycle.
So poisonous, so lethal.
It cripples people’s functioning.
It’s like a disease that keeps you alive physically
but eats you up slowly, bit by bit.
What it eats is not flesh, but soul and life.

 

The problem with this disease is that no one have the cure except yourself.
Realisation is probably the first step of the remedy.

I am thankful for the times that I combated the disease.
I was almost a victim. So close, so damn close that it almost felt like it should have happened to me.
Fortunately.

Now I just wish that this realisation will give me anti-bodies that will protect me against this disease, if i ever will to come a close shave with it again.

Also wish that none of my love ones will be suck into this shithole.

Fuck

It’s mundane I know.
But I just can’t help feeling low.

The first thing that came into my mind was you.
Was about losing all the conversations with you.
The one that got away.

It’s the nagging feeling when things don’t go your way.
When you keep hitting the rough patch.
When life forces you to restart.
I am not ready to say goodbye.

Although it may be good.
I am just… not mentally prepared.

Maybe I should see this as a start to reorganise my life.
To throw all the rotting roots out and start afresh.

But all this are easier to be said than done.

——————————————————————————–
Maybe it’s time of the month again.
I am feeling this need to feel dependent.
To have someone telling me that everything is gonna be okay.
To find solace in someone.

It’s unhealthy.

In this state of mess.
Time for some massive cleaning up.

 

 

 

Zen

It’s all an illusion.
Nothing concete. So what’s making me feel like this?

Silly me.
I wish I have a stronger heart.
A heart that can keep calm and not lose its cool even in front of someone I like.
Then again I wonder, will I become too cold?

I am starting to lose sight on how to strike the balance.
What is balance in the first place?

They say, if you want it, you got to fight for it.
But that makes you vulnerable.
That makes you less desirable, yes ironically.

Experience has told me that guys are interested in girls who don’t give a damn about them.
But you know, someimes I just miss talking without having to think so much.
Without having to play mind games.

The sad part is, I can only do that with people I don’t fancy.

I relly wish that Zen mode is just a button away.
I want to stop checking last online timing.
I want to stop asking myself if i should drop a text first.
I want to stop thinking why is it that the other person has not texted me.

This process is so familar that it’s telling me,
I shouldn’t go with my heart and make the same mistake twice.

So as much as I hate mind games and complicating my own brain,
No, I am not going to initiate.

 

I can do this. I can get out of it.
My brain need to do a better job to restrict itself from idealising.

Baggages

It’s getting tiring trying to entertain stupid people.
Sometime it comes to a point when you ask yourself. “Why am I doing this?”
It’s like cutting. You know it’s painful and wrong.
But once you do it, it gets addictive somehow.

“It’s pathetic when people think you are laughing with them
                         when you are actually laughing at them.”

Maybe it’s time to stop.
Just too afraid that I’m too absorbed. Just afraid that this becomes an addiction.

Time to restructure. Now that the room is done, it’s life’s turn.

PS: time to cut some weight.

You’re all over the place

Maybe I need to spend some time alone.
Away from the lights and the crowd.

There are too many things going through my mind.
Too many things to deal with.
Then again, there can and there is always “too many” thing to do, but ultimately it is about what is really important. It’s all back to prioritising.

I need to learn that I can’t do everything.

————————————————————————————————————————

And what exactly is stopping me from stepping in?
Fear of failure? Lack of confidence?

Maybe it’s time to let go of all the “but”, “what if”, “however” and start embracing “I’ll try”, “I can do this”, “I believe”.

Take this leap of faith. And even if you fail, you know that at least, you have tried.
Let’s stop doubting and start believing for

“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”

PS: The words are not coming to me tonight..

When the heart gets in the way

Impulsivity just came for a visit.

I have done lots of foolish things in my life.
I thought I am getting better at controlling myself.

Guess we still fall into the trap time to time
No matter how hard we try.

 

Last night was an eye opener for myself.
Made me realised how stupid women can be.

A stupid, plain stupid mistake.
Whatever, what’s done is done. Now I just have to come to terms with what happened and the money spent.
MUST NOT DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT A-G-A-I-N

Despite feeling good,
This feeling do come at a price.

 

 

So,

Why do we so often go for the bad guys instead of the good ones?
Something must be really wrong with me.

 

A letter to Vivian

3 most deadly weapon in this world.

1) Hope
2) Expectation
3) Imagination

The rules of the game

1) Take everything with a pinch of salt
2) No expectations as it leads to disappointment
3) The one who care more loses
4) Stop fucking idealising the person and the situation

If you don’t learn the rules, then you don’t play the game.
I thought you have already learned it the hard way.
So save yourself a little misery and not do it twice.

I need a metal heart.
It’s a cruel game and the best wins.
Stop feeling, start thinking.

“When the flame dies,
all is left is ash and a badly burnt stick”

Beautiful mistake

“Days will turn into weeks
Weeks will turn into months
And all the words once said will turn into dust.”

Seems like you are lingering round the corner.
Every where drop hints or trigger my memory of you.
I hope that soon I will look at those stimulus with a smile
Instead of this sour feeling.

You have taught me well.
For better or worse I can’t decide.

It’s really over.
Then again, how can something which never started be over?

In this hopeless place, you shall be the first and the last to get so close.

A pinch of salt

I was careless.
You charged in unarmed, I thought I could trust you.
So I let go of defence to realise that you can still attack without any weapon.

 

 

No more excuses for you.

Maybe deep inside I have always known.
I just refuse to believe it.

And now the reality has come to slap me in the face.
I stood there and laugh at how stupid I was.

What the f was I expecting?
Why did I hold on to that hope?

But we all learn.
This was a good slap in the face, a good lesson learned from my dearest…..
Friend.

 

Everything is going back on track.
Chasing back the lost time.